When I was in high school, I severely struggled with my mental health. The topic of mental health was not discussed in my home or at my school, so I kept everything inside wearing a “mask”, acting like everything was okay. That I was okay. 

My struggles stemmed from being cyberbullied on Facebook, with an anonymous account created to solely make fun of me and destroy my reputation. During this same time, one of my best friends had been diagnosed with, and soon after passed away from brain cancer. Not feeling like I could reach out to anyone, I suppressed everything I was feeling. I did not want to be seen as “weak,” “crazy,” or “different,” so I continued wearing that mask every single day. 

After a suicide attempt and eventual hospitalization, I received the help that I so desperately needed, but did not want to ask for originally. I began the road to recovery, being diagnosed with PTSD, depression and social anxiety. I started going to support groups and therapy, as well as taking medication. All of these approaches combined truly changed my life for the better. 

I believed that I had learned all of the tools needed for future negative life experiences. 

I graduated from high school and ventured 10 hours away from home to college, trying to have a fresh start in a new town. Throughout my time in college, there were definitely some highs and lows, but overall, I really did not face a low as great as I had in high school. I had the tools and support system necessary to get myself through any difficult instances. 

Fast forward to this past fall. I had been out of college for a little over a year, running my 501(c)(3) nonprofit, traveling around the country speaking about mental health and suicide prevention. I dealt with the normal anxiety and stress that I think most people goes through post-grad, comparing myself to others and their life paths… but overall, things were going pretty well.

It almost became second nature for me to say during my speeches that “it gets better” and “you’re not alone” because I was so far removed from any of my previous struggles and there was no doubt in my mind that these statements were true. 

One night in October, I went out to a club with a friend of mine. And, while out that night, I was separated from my friend, drugged and raped by a complete stranger. There are blips of the nights that I remember vividly, but other parts are a blur. I am only reminded today by the haunting memories that I recall. 

This experience threw me for a loop. 

Not only did I fall into the pattern of victim blaming, that so many often fall into following a sexual assault, but I found myself feeling like I was back at square one in my recovery- alone, not believing it would get better and not having any hope for the future. 

I felt like a liar to be telling others these positive statements for so many years, when I didn’t know if I believed them myself. I took a break from my nonprofit and traveling around the country to work through what I was dealing with. And of course, that made me feel like a disappointment in itself. I clearly couldn’t handle what was happening and hadn’t come as far in my mental health progress as I originally thought I did. 

I will say I learned something very important from this negative experience- recovery is NOT linear. I had heard this quote before, but I did not fully grasp what it meant. Now I finally understand the meaning of it. 

When reflecting back on this past year, I can now recognize in hindsight how far I have come since high school- I immediately told my loved ones that I was struggling again, I went back to therapy and support groups and started back on medication. I took my mask off and let everyone see the vulnerable me. My 15-year-old struggling self never would have done any of that. And that’s where I see the progress. 

I still have good and bad days, which is why it’s so important to recognize that recovery with a mental illness is not just a straight line. There will be days you feel like you’re going backwards. There will be days when you feel stagnant. But, there are also days when you feel like you are moving forward, and that is what brings me hope. 

After taking the time off for the past couple of months, I am back speaking and leading my nonprofit again. And now, when I say “it gets better” and “you’re not alone”, I can say that with complete confidence, because I am now saying it during my time of struggling. 

I hope that anyone reading this realizes how important you are. That your life matters. That you are worthy. That you are not alone. That this world would not be the same without you. My goal is to keep saying it over and over again to myself and to others, so that we can all someday finally believe it.