I sat in the corner of the couch holding my knees to my chest with the little strength I had, staring vacantly at my therapist across the room. I wore oversized grey sweats that matched my grey skin, with a messy bun of brittle hair on my head. I had dark circles under my translucent, red, eyes and I was biting the inside of my swollen mouth. My face was filled with acne, my throat was sore, and my mouth was dry. My head was pounding, my ears were ringing, my skin flaking, nails breaking and eyelids heavy with exhaustion. I was dizzy and although I was wasting away, my stomach was bloated as if I were 9 months pregnant; my whole body was aching… I was exhausted.

Me- I don’t want to live like this. Will there ever be an end to this?

Therapist- There is a light at the end of the tunnel, yes.

Me- When will I get there?

Therapist- Just keep moving toward it, one step at a time. One day, I know you’ll get there.

What? You gasp. I know, I know… you are used to my light-hearted writing and that was a very dramatic intro, so you’re not sure what to think right now or if you want to keep reading on. But look, my life at that point was nothing but dramatic and if you’re interested and decide to keep reading… you’ll understand why.

Apologies in advance for the word vomit that is about to be this article, but what’s new? I never promised to have perfect grammar, but I’ve always promised to be real. With that being said, this article could be triggering for some who have experienced any type of mental health disorder. Please keep this in mind when making the decision to read this.

I’ve written and re-written this story for about 5 years now- writing, deleting, editing, scrapping- I have about 50 pages of rough drafts on my computer and haven’t had the courage to post it until now. I’m not sure if I ever would’ve, unless a friend of mine asked me to directly.

She was creating a website with the vision of empowering other women and asked me along with a select few other women to submit a piece for its launch (what an honor). When I asked her what the other women were writing about, her answer was “real, authentic, deep, vulnerable stuff- things women in 2019 really need to hear right now.”

Instantly, I knew exactly what millions of women need to hear right now, but what so many of us fail to talk about. Through a shaky voice I pitched my idea to her. She loved it and said, “yes please” then told me the deadline. I promised her I would get started right away and then, I never sent it in. Yep. Courageous Blaire.

You see- most of the stuff I write encompasses a HOW TO format. i.e. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, How to Date in 2019, How to Chemically Rewire your Brain Toward Happiness. Things like that. I guess I just didn’t want to put the article out there until I had a solid blueprint, roadmap and answer for “How to: Recover from an Eating Disorder.”

I, like everyone else, prefer instant gratification and finding quick fix solutions to complicated problems. As time has gone on, I realize there is no “quick fix” for pain, there is not a step-by-step process that works for everyone and that there may not be one… for a reason.

A little notification on my astrology app popped up on my phone yesterday. It told me that apparently, I’m great at teaching and will do that for a majority of my life. However, I must never stop learning in the process and I must never forget what our homie Socrates said, “I am the wisest man alive for I know that I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.”

That funny little notification gave me an epiphany of sorts. I realized that Socrates along with other great teachers in our world’s history- Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, etc. never really pretended that they had all the answers. In fact, I’ve found whenever an impatient follower in need of a quick fix asked these teachers a question, they were disappointed to find that instead of receiving an answer, most of the teachers simply asked a question in return…

If you were to ask me what the solution is to your eating disorder, I would say, are you asking me to give you a solution to your pain? You would quickly realize (or maybe it would take you some time) that life is full of pain and no one is going to know how to best handle or cope with your pain besides yourself, because no one in life will experience exactly what you do. Therefore, I can’t tell you how to deal with your pain- you need to figure out what works for you.

Maybe these teachers knew that the answer is inside of us. That it doesn’t mean as much if someone finds it for you. That you won’t connect to it unless you go through the process of finding it yourself; that it can’t be your truth unless you’ve experienced it. Great teachers guide you in the discovery of the answer. They really TEACH YOU. They don’t want to just give you the answers to the test, or else you will never truly learn how to solve the problem once they are long gone.

I think that unfortunately, you will have to walk through the valley of darkness and get pretty comfy with the shadow of death before you expel all the evil and find the answer to your BIG LIFE PROBLEM… on your own. It’s going to be scary as hell and life changing, but you’re the only one who got you into it… so you’re the only person who can get you out of it. People will influence you (good and bad) along the way, but in the end… this journey is yours to own. Once you accept that truth… you are already on your way to healing.

Andddd THAT is my very long and drawn out apology robed in philosophical babble to you all, explaining that unfortunately this article is not a fool-proof step by step plan of HOW TO RECOVER FROM AN EATING DISORDER although I wish that it was. Instead, it is me simply sharing my story and wisdom that I’ve garnered so far so that I can be one positive person in your life as you make it through this dark, lousy tunnel of yuck. I’ll be that for you today. I hope this article is that for you!

• I’m a U.S. citizen. The U.S. is a wonderful country. However, we are also one of the most obese nations in the world and carry the torch when it comes to obsession with our physical appearances and diets. Eating disorders here are an epidemic to say the least, and I fell victim to our cultural norms. I was taught that I “shouldn’t snack too often” and should simply have “breakfast, lunch, then dinner” that I “should not have dessert before dinner” that I should “eat my vegetables first” and “clear my plate,” from a young age. I was taught some foods are “bad” and other foods are “good.” I lived in the world of “non-fat” “fat-free” “low-fat” “sugar-free” etc. and I believe these ideas taught me to not listen to my body and caused me to have a very confusing/ frustrating relationship with food early on. I would eat what I thought I was supposed to, when I thought I was supposed to and what I thought I was supposed to. Intuitive eating, (aka listening to your body’s natural, instinctual needs- eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full) was something I don’t believe I ever learned.
•  I grew up in entertainment- I was on stage before I could walk- it provided me with more positives than negatives, but it definitely made me more conscious of my body than most at a young age. I heard phrases like “the camera adds 10 lbs” “here is how you should pose to make you look slimmer” “white makes you look bigger, black makes you look smaller” and “suck it in and smile!”
• I grew up in beach culture. We were always in bathing suits. When our bodies started to change, we noticed and discussed every stretch mark, cellulite, bump and curve. We were hyper-aware of how we looked and the pressure to look like all the models in the Billabong and Victoria secret ads we saw around town was enormous.

• I was an athlete. I was used to not listening to my body and pushing it to extremes in order to tend to my highly competitive spirit. Working out hard, for long periods of time, until I threw up or passed out was not foreign to me as I wanted to be the best of the best. We ate large amounts of pasta to fuel us on nights before games and once you learn to eat large amounts as an athlete, then you stop being an athlete and realize those large amounts are not needed any longer, it can be a tough transition.
• Genetics blessed me with a muscular body, and I began to grow curves earlier than most. One day in middle school, a popular guy told me I had a “fat ass” in front of some people (I definitely did not- it was just muscular! Luckily, it is one of my favorite things about myself now…but I digress) that night, I went and stared at my body in front of my mirror. I had always seen my legs as strong and beautiful. That day, I began to see them as “fat”. I went on my treadmill for 2+ hours and cried. That became a pattern, and restricting food, throwing away my lunches, counting calories, eating diet food and eating in the middle school bathrooms out of shame became a regular thing for me.
• In high school, I quickly learned habits from other girls around me that were not conducive to my health. A few of them already had had eating disorders… Some of them bulimic, some of them anorexic, some of them orthorexic, and all of the in-betweens. I was disturbed and terrified at first and swore to myself that I would never “get one” … like having an eating disorder was like catching the plague or something. But after months of trying to control my food, I ended up just as bad- or worse- than the rest of them. Genetics also blessed me with a very addictive personality! I am sure that did not help.
• In my 1st year of high school (among other traumatic things too long to list here- my first boyfriend cheated on me, my grandpa died, I lost a student government election, and was pulled out of school to be homeschooled while I was struggling with an autoimmune disease (which I later found out was Lyme), all within a short time period. I probably should’ve gone to a therapist. Instead, when my world seemed to be ripped out from underneath me and totally out of control, I turned to the one thing I did feel I could control at the time to cope that always made me feel better- food.

No one is immune to one- and the statistics are jarring. Check out the https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org. Eating disorders are incredibly common and unfortunately, my life experiences lead me to become another statistic. 

I got pretty sick rather fast. All I thought about was food 24/7 and I began to think I was a crazy person as I couldn’t get this obsession off my mind. I lost loads of weight and hair, I was always grumpy and cold, I looked dreadful and was very weak. I was dropped from my competitive soccer team and pulled from my track championships due to poor performance. My confidence was shattered. I started missing school regularly, until I rarely went at all and almost didn’t graduate due to poor attendance.

I became a recluse- I would come home after school, close my blinds and cry until the next day, until I became so depressed that I lost the ability to cry and turned into some sort of apathetic zombie. My mom would tell you that “my eyes looked dark, like I was dead inside.” I was pretty slow and not responsive; I went from being incredibly outgoing to not engaging with others at all. I stopped taking care of myself and began wearing only baggy clothes to school. I cut most friendships out of my life. I can count the number of times I actually left my house to hang out with my friends on one hand in my junior and senior years.

When I lost my menstrual cycle and began to pass out and have heart palpitations, my doctor demanded I start seeing a therapist and nutritionist. So, I did (albeit against my will). My therapist was great, but she wanted me to talk and connect with other people about my disorder, which I really didn’t want to do. 

I wanted to keep it our little secret every Wednesday afternoon in her little room. I didn’t know then, that you’re only as sick as your secrets and I wish I would’ve listened to her. She also asked me to do a lot of journaling activities, meditation and all of that other stuff. To be honest, I sort of tried it all (but not really) not to the best of my ability and not for long enough, so nothing ever worked.

My 16-year-old self-hated who I was and what I was doing, but my 25-year-old self-wonders if deep down, I sort of wanted to stay in the safe place of feeling sorry for myself and pushing my feelings down. There does come a point where you are almost too sick to even help yourself…I do think I was there, but I definitely think I could’ve done more.

Although I was Homecoming Queen, cheer captain, student liaison for our school board, held a student body leadership position, had a 4.0 and starred as Sandy in our school musical Grease (can someone say perfectionist?) I left high school with only 2 friends who I felt really, really knew me, since I pushed everyone away. Last year, a girl who I really liked in high school said to me, “I wish I knew you more back then… my only memories of you were you working hard at something, too busy to hang out, or at home sick.”

When she said that, I thought about all of the life I’d missed living and all of the time I’d spent in my room instead of genuinely connecting with the great people around me because I was too worried about my body looking how I wanted it to in front of a mirror or how many calories I ate for lunch that day.

It’s so ironic I let this happen, because when you have a disorder, genuine connection with other people is actually what you’re truly hungry for. I wasted so many years I will never get back. I never want to do that again. Life’s too precious.

There are a lot of details from those dark years of my eating disorder in high school that I purposefully left out. I don’t want anyone learning from me and picking up my bad habits as I believe so much of disordered behavior is learned, but if you have one and are reading this- just know I understand the tears, the pain, the self-hate; the mirrors, the treadmill, the stealing, the lying, the bingeing, the chewing, the scale. Along with the shame, abuse, darkness, anger, apathy and confusion.

I understand what it’s like to think you’re a monster, to think you’re going crazy, and to feel completely and utterly- alone. To look in the mirror and be afraid of the person you’re becoming. To listen to your thoughts and be afraid of what they’re saying… But if you can grab one thing from this article- please do not feel like you are alone any longer…. because you aren’t. You just aren’t. I’ve been there and so many other people around you have. Most of us are just too afraid to talk about it.

Carrying on…I almost did not go to college. I was extremely worried about my health. But I did, and it was the best decision I could’ve ever possibly made. Sometimes, it can help to get out of the environment you’re in and start new somewhere else.

In my case, I left a triggering environment and started anew in the sunshine down by the border, surrounded by positive people (most importantly) at a university that put an emphasis on mental and physical well-being, and I was incredibly happy and distracted by all of my activities. Further, I found a wonderful boyfriend in my sophomore year who I must admit changed the game for me.

I wouldn’t say all of my disordered tendencies went away, some emotional eating, obsessive exercising, social anxiety and perfectionism continued to linger on and show up on certain days and in lesser forms from time to time… but the parts of my disorder that had made me physically ill during my high school years- all of the binging, restricting and purging, definitely lessened… so much so that I thought I was “cured” for a few years.

College gave me the freedom to experiment with my food. I bought, ate, cooked and prepped what I wanted. I was surrounded with other friends who were passionate about health and I began to adopt some of their healthier habits. I would make smoothies and salads with them, we’d go to the beach, weight lift and go on runs.

We would talk about our insecurities, but also build each other up and were honestly concerned with each other’s well-being. Eventually by watching them, I learned to have some ice cream, alcohol or a burrito, really enjoy it, then laugh it off instead of going for a cry or letting it ruin my day. It’s crazy how important surrounding yourself with the right people is when it comes to healing.

When I started putting nutritious food into my body- real, whole organic fruits, and vegetables- and when I decreased my intake of animal products, processed foods, sugar and gluten, my brain and body started to feel like it never had before. My body gained muscle and strength and although I gained some weight, I had never felt more confident in my life!

I became obsessed with health, found an incredible nutrition coach who introduced me to the plant-based lifestyle and once I experienced the magic of a healthy, strong, happy body and mind, I knew I would never return to the sick, weak, dark, place I had stayed in for so long in high school. Even if I was binging, I began to binge on whole, nutritious foods that nourished my body. When you do this, your mind is forever changed.

My emotional eating however, did continue on and off though for many years after… and it still comes up from time to time. If I was upset, I would more often than not, turn to food, just like so many other people in the world. But my emotional eating never again looked like it did in the depths of my disorder- where I was eating extraordinary amounts of junk food in order to shove down my emotions or in order to over-compensate for the days I had been starving myself. I’ll return to this topic later on…

My pastor often says (yes, my pastor in LA is also Justin Bieber’s pastor- it’s pretty rad, I know) I’m not where I want to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be. When he says that, I always flashback to this one day in my biology class, when I was so obsessed and controlled by my disorder that I was crying over the fact that I had to force myself to eat an apple at 2:00 pm (doctor’s orders). Tears flooded down my face as people shot me peculiar looks. I was so embarrassed but couldn’t stop them from coming. I was messed up. I knew it. The other people knew it too. Sometimes I can’t believe I sobbed over an apple and wasted my time freaking out over the fact that I had to eat in the first place. There are a lot of other things to sob over. I am so grateful that stage of my life is over. Amen.